That is basically the gist of this post, but why stop there.
I’m in the process of decompressing from a very difficult semester in school. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in school, but I was about thisclose to quitting school altogether at several points this semester. I’m very glad that I didn’t because if I had I would not have learned several lessons that God taught me throughout the semester. Some I’ve learned many semesters over and over again but have failed to put into practice, and some new – all very much needed.
I guess I don’t decompress very well. I’m having a crummy day, and it started out as a terrible-horrible-no good-very bad type day. It’s gotten better as the day has progressed and I’m hoping that by the end of tonight I’ll be in a good place. I started out the day beyond physically exhausted, which quickly brought my lingering emotional exhaustion to the fore. Let’s not rule out the spiritual exhaustion that’s been existent for most of this semester (making it one of my worst semesters!) and we’ll add in the fact that I feel like I’ve been just the crummiest wife to my incredible husband. And then I had a 10:00 AM appointment… Needless to say, in my decompression all of the feelings I’ve had for a while have started to come up again. I did a good job of keeping them bottled up in order to soldier forward into the Christmas break from classes, but now they’re back and they’re back with a vengeance.
Yesterday God spoke to me through Scott, our pastor. The sermon was about John the Baptist and how we need to have someone like John who will point out to us when we’ve been a “brood of vipers.” It really hit home since I was a viper the night before to my very undeserving-of-it husband. He had tried to point out something to me – something that I had asked him to hold me accountable of – and I snapped at him. Mason is my John the Baptist for the most part, but lately I haven’t been wanting to hear it. We all need someone like that – praise the Lord that I have 3…4 of them! – but I’ve done a great job of avoiding them for the most part this semester. I’ve been relying too much on my own strength during literally the hardest semester of my life and I’ve become someone I didn’t like because I was pushing God away. Funny…a seminarian pushing God away…what’s wrong with that picture?!?
We’ll, God got to me yesterday through Scott. I realized that my problems and my feelings were all brought on my none other than…ME. (Well, with the exception of my granddad’s passing.) I guess for the first time in a while I actually heard God in worship yesterday and not what I wanted to hear myself. And I really didn’t like what God had to say to me, but I am grateful beyond words. I realized that I have been selfish a LOT lately, and my husband has done nothing but try to love me where I was and love me in spite of it all. Yet, I still wasn’t feeling that it was good enough. I have the most fantastic husband in the world and I was pushing him away because I was being selfish.
I’ve been talking to Mason about my needs for our Christmas break time and it hit me yesterday that I wasn’t really thinking about his needs. We’ve been planning a big family vacation and it fell through – actually both that we’ve planned this year have fallen through – but I was still pushing Mason on just how much I needed this vacation. We just can’t make it work out right now for a large variety of reasons, and I’m not happy, but for the first time I’m actually thankful that my husband his head screwed on straight. Were it up to me, we’d be doing the vacation despite everything. Mason has thoughtfully considered everything and normally I’d beat him up for his decision rather than trusting him, but with as sad as I am because remember I really need this vacation, I’m feeling good about totally trusting him on this one. He only has our best interest at heart…not just his and not just mine, but ours. Praise God for a selfless man and that he can love such a selfish woman! Whatever he decides I know that it’s because he cares about both of us, and I am just so thankful for that and blessed to have that quality in my husband. I may not like it sometimes…a lot…but I do love his caring and careful heart.
A dear friend of ours sent me an eamil today asking about how I’m doing. I was brutally honest. I got a reply from him after lunch that said, “do something good for yourself – today – you have survived a tough semester – here is a possibility,” and he gave us a gift certificate for dinner tonight. I sent it on to Mason as an FYI type email and my husband, the love of my life, knew exactly what to do. I got an email back from him that said, “Would you like to go out to dinner tonight? Would you be my date?” Small little gifts like this convict me of my selfishness and make me eternally grateful that God has given me such a beautiful partner. Through my husband I constantly see the grace of God. I’ve taken it for granted more times that I’ve ever intended to or wanted to, but it’s always there. And I’m totally undeserving.
So babe, let’s date tonight. And thank you for loving me the way you do. I hope I can love you that way back…I’m going to work on it. Promise!